Candy Coma
by Vietta
Summary: Reno gets in the holiday spirit by buying more than his fair share of candy corn. He soon learns that there are other uses for the candy than food.


Reno groaned weakly, lying back on his couch and tossing his arm over his face. He wasn't sick, but he was making himself sick. The bag of candy corn on the coffee table in front of his couch was half empty and, an hour or so ago, it had been full. He had been steadily eating it one piece at a time and the amount of sugar in his stomach was starting to turn him green. He hated holiday candy. Once a year he would buy bags and bags of specialized limited edition candy and gorge on it. Marshmallow bunnies, strawberry cream filled chocolate hearts, sour goo filled gummi ghosts, and, his biggest weakness, candy corn. He was sick to death of candy corn.

Reno pulled another piece of candy corn out of the bag and bit off the white end, as was his custom, before popping the rest in his mouth. His stomach gurgled in protest as he took a swig of sugary soda to wash down the candy with. He really had to stop eating. Reno had been able to, when he was much younger, go through bags beyond bags of candy every week. Now he was simply getting too old to gorge on candy anymore. He knew he had to admit defeat to the sugary sweetness he loved and hated, but he refused to do it. He had his pride. He also had a hankering to eat the other half of the bag of candy. He felt himself turning green as he bit the white end off another piece of the pure sugar snack.

An odd gurgle made Reno raise an eyebrow and he sat up, setting a hand on his stomach. "Dude, shut up."

His stomach continued with its odd gurgling and groaning.

Reno groaned and held his stomach. "Duuuude, shut up! I'll stop eating, I get it!"

His stomach continued its loud complaints, obviously not believing him.

Reno whacked himself in the stomach and stood, frowning at the fact that he was trying to verbally reason with an internal organ. Sometimes he was more than a little stupid. Of course his stomach wasn't going to listen to him, it was a frickin' stomach! Reno walked to his fridge and pulled a carrot out of his vegetable crisper, not sure if it was edible anymore but not caring. He chomped into the limp orange carrot, hoping that getting real food into his stomach would balance out the ridiculous amount of candy he had eaten. The half bag of candy corn he had consumed after work had only been a way to fill his tank; he had already chowed down a whole bag of candy pumpkins during work and, despite complaints from Elena, he had refused to share a single piece. Reno was a selfish bastard when it came to his candy and his coffee. As he munched on his carrot, however, he regretted not giving her a few handfuls.

Reno finished his rather out of date carrot and drank a glass of water, his stomach still gurgling. He wrinkled his nose. "Ugh, why call it a vegetable crisper if it doesn't keep carrots crisp?" He kicked the fridge and stubbed his toe, adding to his discomfort. He grumbled and limped to his bedroom, noting that he would probably have crisp carrots if he actually ate them before they went bad.

Reno flopped himself onto his bed and groaned, setting his alarm clock. He was going to have to do something with the other bags of candy he still had stashed at the office. He just wasn't going to be able to eat them. He had gone overboard. He didn't want to, but he was going to have to admit defeat to the sugary snacks. He pulled his blankets over his head and tried to sleep, letting the grumbles of his stomach subside into background noise.

* * *

Rude blinked as he stepped into the break room, pulling off his sunglasses and shining them on the hem of his shirt as he tried to convince himself that his eyes were working properly. The corner of the break room was coated in candy corn and candy pumpkins. It seemed that Reno had outdone himself in his boredom. There were glued together candy corn buildings and candy corn cars with candy pumpkin wheels and caramel candy corn paved the 'streets' of Reno's candy corn metropolis. Reno was still working on his creation too, sitting in the middle of his town and adding a candy corn steeple to a candy corn church. Rude made sure he didn't step on Reno's creation as he made his way to the coffee makers positioned horrifyingly close to the insane candy city. He cleared his throat as he poured himself coffee. He mustn't act like he noticed anything was going on or he would give Reno exactly what he wanted. Attention. "Morning, Reno."

"Hiya, Rude!" Reno looked up, a piece of candy corn stuck to his cheek right underneath his tattoo. He was positively beaming with childish glee.

Rude had to wonder if Tseng had seen Reno's creation yet. It was highly unlikely considering that Reno was still being allowed to make the thing. He set his glasses back onto his face and sipped his coffee. "Did you get your half of that report from out last mission done?"

"Yeah, man, it's on your desk." Reno grabbed another handful of candy corn and moved to another area of his city, gluing away at a small candy corn house that was missing a roof.

Rude raised an eyebrow, shocked that Reno had actually gotten his work done on time. Perhaps the redhead was beginning to learn that his punishment for slacking off was something he was able to avoid? Rude shook his head. Reno hadn't learned that lesson in seven years and it was unlikely that he would just suddenly learn it.

Rude slowly backed away from Reno's candy creation and nodded. "Alright, I'll go look at it now." He had to go warn Tseng about Reno's sudden candy related breakdown. He turned on his heel and made his way to Tseng's office, wondering to himself just how many bags of candy corn Reno had bought.

Tseng was sipping coffee when Rude entered his office. He looked up from his cup, nodding at Rude and gesturing for him to take a seat. "What can I do for you, Rude?"

Rude sat, setting his coffee mug down on a coaster on Tseng's desk. He knew better than to leave the mug anywhere else. "Reno's gone nuts again."

"I'm guessing you're referring to his candied Midgar he's building?" Tseng chuckled and set his coffee mug down.

Rude blinked, "You already know about it?" He was surprised that Tseng was allowing the candy crazed redhead to continue construction without having asked for a building permit.

"Yes, I know about it. I've decided to let this one slide. Mostly because it's quite skillfully done and also because, well, I wanted him out of my hair for a while." Tseng smiled, making his fingers a steeple and watching Rude over them.

"Oh, that makes sense." Rude blinked, still shocked that Tseng wasn't cracking the whip on Reno's craziness and pulling him back into the realm of the working.

"Just wait until Elena sees. I'm sure you had the sense not to ask Reno any questions about it, but she isn't as savvy to Reno's whims as the rest of us yet. I doubt she'll ever truly learn what not to say or do in front of him." Tseng chuckled, a rare sight for anyone who wasn't Rufus to see.

Rude nodded and looked at his watch. "She's usually in at the same time I am. Think she's still interrogating him?"

Tseng nodded and leaned back in his chair. "Yes, and she's probably going to come bursting in to demand that I get him examined by a psychiatrist again."

"How many times has he been evaluated now?" Rude raised an eyebrow. He had lost count of the many times Reno had been sent to a therapist for mental evaluation.

"Now that you mention it, I have no idea." Tseng smiled, obviously in high spirits. Rude had to wonder what had put Tseng in such a good mood.

Rude opened his mouth to continue the conversation, but was interrupted by Elena stomping into the office, hands on her hips. Elena frowned at Tseng, her honey brown eyes narrowed. "Reno's nuts."

"Yes, your point?" Tseng chuckled and sipped his coffee.

"My point is that he's sitting in the break room, covered in candy corn, giggling like a deranged child, and eating paste." Elena's lips pursed together, her nose wrinkling cutely.

Rude blinked, surprised at how far downhill Reno had gone in the past five minutes. He looked at Tseng. "He wasn't eating the glue when I left."  
"Are either of you really surprised that Reno is sitting in a candy corn city laughing and eating glue?" Tseng rolled his eyes and sipped his coffee.

Rude and Elena looked at each other and sighed in unison, shaking their heads. "No." In truth, Rude supposed it wasn't the first time Reno had ever eaten glue. When they were in high school Reno had, on occasion, brought bottles of white glue to school to drink during lunch to gross out the girls they were in class with. It had been funny at the time, but Rude supposed that, perhaps, the amount of glue Reno had drank in his life explained why it seemed that the gears in the redhead's brain were occasionally getting stuck.

* * *

**Author's Note: I wrote this story because I think it's funny and because, really, the idea of Reno eating glue is simply too entertaining to ignore when it crops up. I was also eating candy corn and it made my tummy feel bad so…that explains the rest of the story.**


End file.
